Friendship Evaluator Pillows

No more neurotic people in my life, but will I be bored

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"The first day of school. Yes sir. A day to make new friends. A day to mark new beginnings. A day to discover everyone but you has grown three feet over the summer."

'As a token of friendship we present to you this sacred albino fawn.' 'We sailed all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, and all you have is light deer?!'

And when we came home, the entire anthill was gone... It was awful, Mom - but at least Harry and I still have each other...

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

"I decided to treat my employees like friends...now I hate all of them!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"So, next week, if it's okay with our wives, wanna have another playdate?"

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"I see that grading papers for the teacher is going to your head."

'Hey, scratch my back and I'll scratch your back.'

"Juicy worms?! Oh yes, they're my favourites too..."

"Finally, it's Spring! I missed you! Let's go and play!"

"Hi Ginny, that's a nice new haircut you've got there. Are you trying to be cuter than me?"

"I hate to break it to you, but you weren't his best friend."

'You haven't changed a bit Perkins.'

Sex Score

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

The Awkwardly Informal Meet Up Group

"I wouldn’t go so far as to call Darren here an ‘imaginary friend’—he’s more of an imaginary acquaintance."

'You guys are real friends!'

Facebook 33 A.D.

McHappy

'My wife ran off with my best friend...I really miss him.'

Look...a friendly face.

'I had my accounting department run a cost-benefit analysis on you and I have some bad news.'

'Come on, I did it for you...'

Talk of charities 'providing their impact' is dangerous and misleading.

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"God, if you can help me find a seat by my friends, I'll listen to my teachers, do my homework and clean my room..."

'All right, I'll fight you if you insist, but I hope we can be friends afterwards.'

"Is this book a true story or is it true it's a story?"

"I have a bad association with people."