Relationship Dynamics Expert Pillows

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

Awkward First Dates

'You've changed since we got married.'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

"When I take your arm Charlene, there's no need to flex."

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

Monogamy

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'Here's what she was reading - an articl called 'Parents can be fun'.'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”