Relationship Dynamics Buff Pillows

"You're certainly a lot less fun since the operation."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

'I'm sick and tired of your mood swings, Frank!'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

Awkward First Dates

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"When I take your arm Charlene, there's no need to flex."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

Monogamy

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'Here's what she was reading - an articl called 'Parents can be fun'.'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

'We should talk more.'

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"The defense rests."