Relationship Banter Enthusiast Pillows

I left you my savings, my pet plants, and my eternal love. What did you leave me, if you should die first? Don't be silly, dear. You're going way before me. Humor me!!! You should be happy I'll get to enjoy years of not picking up after you. How selfish can you be?! I'm sorry, dear.

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"Well yes, pretty and kind were big factors, but her nitpicking abilities are what really won me over..."

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"What's come between us?"

"If you'll have me, I'd like to be your blind spot."

"I told you. All men are reptiles.!

"I want an instant replay of you taking out the garbage."

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."