Rejection Renegade Gifts

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"HR think we need to look again at your recruitment strategy."

"I wish you would actually sell one of these novels...all these returned manuscripts are giving me backaches!"

If You Can't Beat Them

'Have you figured out our New Year's resolution?'

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

Female Dominance.

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

'She kept pinching the Vicar's bum!'

'I'll say one thing about your manuscript, Mr.Jackson - it's very shreddable.'

Marriage therapist's office is filled with erotic art.

"Why always a book report? Why not ever a TV show report?"

'I have an even better idea, Steve -- let's get married without living together!'

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

'I think it's fair to say we're opposed to tame sex marriage.'

Hot pink (and purple) monkey love!

Harold finally decided to take his psychiatrist's advice to become more receptive.

"Where do you keep the non-educational stuff?"

'It's from the New Yorker, I've been rejected 200 times, once for each word.'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

'How long have you been submitting novels, Grandad?'

'My Ed is a lawyer. All of his New Year's resolutions have escape clauses.'

'Eat. Sleep all winter. These are your resolutions?'

Cluster Catastrophe

Leonardo Meets the I.R.S.

"You know how to whistle, don't you? Just pick up the phone and call the S.E.C."

"And after I'm through with this, I'll show you the exciting array of other body-piercing services we're now offering!"

TV tie-in book signpost.

It says 'item is returnable if repackaged exactly as sent.'"

"It starts out with a standard romantic plot: Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, wins her back, Girl kills Boy, devours his head and lays eggs in his carcass. Ok, now here's the twist..."