Regret Pillows

'Aren't you done yet? This is taking forever! I should have went somewhere else!...'

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'You got anything that says I put some thought into this gift?'

'What's the best kind of glue to fix a TV screen?'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"With the benefit of hindsight, I’d say no, Ed, it wasn’t ‘funny’ letting him steer the boat!"

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"And what would you like to regret later?"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'I could have made money in the stock market if I had only found the right 'How to invest' book...'

"OK, what have you done?"

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

Hyacinths

"Sorry, wrong room."

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

''On behalf of my colleagues I wanted to let you know that we are all crying inside.''

"I'd like to get something for my wife. Do you have any olive branches?"

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

My Gay Son Never Calls

'Touching.'

"I can accept Mum's gone, but I can't bring myself to press 'delete'."

"I tweeted yesterday. 'Sleep with your windows open'. It was liked and shared by 2000 mosquitos."

Great Joys like griefs are silent.

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"

'Let's pretend we're married so we can have a fight!'

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

A stranger in paradise.