Reference Avoider Pillows

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

"Didn't read the book, missed the movie, but I've been to the theme park."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

Sawdust.

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

'I'd like to request flexible working to avoid my family.'

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

An agony of aunts

The things some people do to escape from McDonald's advertising.

"This is crazy! Why can't they give us one e-reader with all our school textbooks already on it? That way...I can ignore just one book instead of this whole stack!"

"But this is the way we've always done it."

"I don't like all the responsibility that comes with my new pompousness."

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

'Thurlow, the difference between you and me is that I was smart enough not to take my own advice.'

"I've finally reached the age when the advertising people leave me alone!"

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

"Just more Junk Mail."

'Eloise! This feller says he's 'a gent named Iris' and wants to talk to us about Texas.'

Hiding from unwanted visitors.

"So there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can think of giving up the New Year apart from your peanut collection?"