Recruitment Satirist Gifts

Today's Specials

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Dolestart - A New Initiative

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'Job satisfaction is up, because there are fewer jobs.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'I don't think I could have picked a tougher line of work.'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

Human resources department is a stock full of humans.

'I've got my bandages to protect me!'

"Well we are looking for people with a wide range of skills."

'Can you dance?'

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"My youngest is at the age when she can barely comprehend cost effective analysis."

Resignations/Applications

Bar bouncer resumes.

No, Dad, they didn't give me a key to the 'executive washroom' with my promotion. These days you get the pin number to the unisex lounge.

This company has enough clowns.

'Can you work without supervision?' 'I'd love to TRY!'

"You'd make a great personal assistant, but I'm afraid the job would eat you alive."

'The boss came up and said, 'there are too many guys named Kevin around here' and so - I was fired!'

"Have you considered the option of being chopped up into small pieces and chargrilled in a mid range restaurant?"

'Your references and job qualifications are excellent. I notice, however, that you've never stayed with any one company for very long!'

"Don't worry, it's just temporary...'til they find a way to fire you."