Recruitment Satirist Gifts

Today's Specials

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Dolestart - A New Initiative

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

'Job satisfaction is up, because there are fewer jobs.'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'I don't think I could have picked a tougher line of work.'

Human resources department is a stock full of humans.

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

'I've got my bandages to protect me!'

"Well we are looking for people with a wide range of skills."

'Can you dance?'

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"My youngest is at the age when she can barely comprehend cost effective analysis."

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

This company has enough clowns.

Bar bouncer resumes.

No, Dad, they didn't give me a key to the 'executive washroom' with my promotion. These days you get the pin number to the unisex lounge.

'Can you work without supervision?' 'I'd love to TRY!'

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

Resignations/Applications

"You'd make a great personal assistant, but I'm afraid the job would eat you alive."

'The boss came up and said, 'there are too many guys named Kevin around here' and so - I was fired!'

"Your job will be to furnish the office with fresh fish on a daily basis."