Quirky Recruitment Humor Gifts

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"What's your occupation?"

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'...No it's Malcom from ***** after someone with autocad experience in elecro-mechanical design.'

"I think we're going to have to look at our recruitment algorithms again."

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

Lateral Recruits

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

Will work for question marks.

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

"And what makes you think you have the necessary qualities for working on the bins?"

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'Have you worked at a non-profit before?' 'Yes! and believe it or not, they blamed me!'