Recruiter Comedy Gifts

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."