Recession Cynic Gifts

WORLD ENDS TODAY!, 'You say that like it's a BAD thing.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

Stock market investment advice

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

Federal Guidelines

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

'Where's My Bail-out?' 'Where's Your Lobbyist?'

"The candidates this year are really honest."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."