Reality Benders Gifts

"This alternate reality thing is awesome! Donald Trump made Mexico build a wall, Hillary Clinton's in jail, and my wife thinks I'm George Clooney."

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"No luggage to check - I just have this carry on."

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

'Hey! Hey! You need a trout stamp! Where's your trout stamp?!'

Alternative fielding positions

"So when my dad said I couldn't have a dog..."

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

Black hole setting

The ride with the shortest lines at disneyworld...

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'Hold it Billy - There are no praying mantises in school.'

Memoirs: Fiction/Non Fiction.

"I warned you about putting funny stuff on the ball, Flanagan."

'I thought forty is the new thirty.'

"Sorry, eighty is not the new sixty-five."

'Sorry, Jimmy... our school has a strict 'don't show, don't tell' policy!'

Fat Kid 28- Discovers his feminine side

Boys Cooking

Gender-Neutral Rapunzel

"Let's just say my teacher and I agreed to disagree."

'Great! Now we're getting pulled over! I TOLD you that was a lint trap back there, but did you listen? Noooo!'

'So this is what you do while I'm away,'

"You might call it shoplifting officer, but I prefer to think of it as foraging."

"It's a cross between pop and rap. We call it 'pap.'"

"Well, my daddy always says it's not a lie unless the Grand Jury says it's a lie."

"And now, let us view sitcom star Donnie J. Kroft's reading of his will, which was videotaped before a live studio audience."

'What? I'm behind the barriers, aren't I?'

Bureau of the Budget. If we serve alphabet soup, we can count it as a lunch program and a literacy program!

Woman goes to Origami Airport.

'I know it's difficult to stay in compliance, with everything, Ferguson, but this is ridiculous!'

"I'm not sure if the audience is ready to embrace you in a romantic comedy."

Fun on the pyramids