Rant Specialist Gifts

'Me' Weekly

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'I found the termites!'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

Giant Monkey sprays the pesty planes with 'fly spray'

The Velvet Mesquite

'Dear, Junior ate his first house today!'

When cockroaches go unchecked.

'Do you have any properties with a termite infestation?'

EAR, NOSE AND THROAT CLINIC: "You want me to drive?"

"Take my hand, my love, and come with me to the cabin, where we can explore each other's naked bodies for ticks."

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

Mouse Sidewalk Cafe

"Well, you said you wanted something to remove spiders from the bath!"

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

A dog catcher catching a dog catching a cat catching a bird catching a fly.

Flies up the ante!

Fighting the Zika Virus

'Looks like we're dealing with a mule deer infestation. I can get rid of them, but you'll have to wait until they're in season!'

"Remember that half-dead sansevieria you put out on the balcony back in January of 1994, pal?"

'Ooops. Look at it this way: you won't have to worry about bee mites infesting your colonies now.'

"Noah, what do you think are the most dangerous animals you've brought abroad the ark?"

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Let it go. You have to learn to pick your battles."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

"You did order the chemical-free insecticide."

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

Product Testing Department

Spiders all over the place, "Hello, Guiness book of records?"

"About time they did something about the rats!"

What did you think happens to all those vitamins that roll beneath the fridge?

"For heaven’s sake, Rozlyn, just give him the darn plant!"

"Well, what a coincidence, Jeff's in vermin control too!"