Racing Official Gifts

He failed the drugs test!

'Knock if off, O'Reilly. You are herewith officially charged with bringing racing into disrepute.'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

Egyptian Football

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

Pole Vault Rules

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'Now what?!'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

'Are you blind ref?'

Under Capitalism, Expensive Equipment is Always, Unlike People, Innocent Until Proven Guilty

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'I should never have married a bloody referee.'

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'

'That was a peach of a right hander the referee gave you!'

Referees at the Original Olympics.

'He lost his whistle,'

'Out. How come?' - 'Off side.'

Footballer changes shirt with the ref.

Red Card - Gold Card.

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'