Quiz Show Comic Relief Gifts

Mastermind - "You've chosen rail ticket conditions 1998-99."

"My answers could be right. Your quiz just asked the wrong questions."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

"Now our contestant will try to guess which of you is the very last individual of your species."

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"I'm trying to create a hologram of myself. If I'm successful, I'll never have to attend school, go to the dentist or go anywhere else that's boring again."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

The First Printed Bible

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

Academic Jeopardy - "The great unknowns and cosmic uncertainties of the universe are reduced by this number daily."

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

The earlier, less publicized discovery of gravity by Corblatt.

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

"Our next contestant is Mildred and her specialist subject is "Other People's Business""

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'Sleep on your face again, Phil?'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"Next riddle without looking it up, can you tell me which is the routing number and which is the account?"

Scarecrow chasing Igor with a brain

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he would be driving this make of Sports Utility Vehicle."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'