Quirky Quoter Gifts

"You've got termites."

'Why don't you get Tommy to help you carry that?' 'He's inside there carrying the clothes.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

Plant Parenthood...

Waiter holding a smartphone: 'Would you like it Instagrammed?'

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

"As your advertising agency I recommend a cow as a mascot for you hockey team. Because cows do not have upper teeth."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

Funky Facts: Football.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Daddy, why do people pull round pizza from square boxes and cut them into triangles before they eat them?"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

"What would you like me to play next?"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

'Is the water cold?'

"May you love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, and chase squirrels at the speed of light."

Ostrich Curoisities

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

"If all you have is a whatchamacallit then every problem looks like a thingamajig."

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"I can never go metric. 'Al's 30.48 Centimeter Hot Dogs' just doesn't sound right."

The Month of June

'I'm typecast!'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

'Don't be silly - I love you for your body AND your tiny little brain!'

Upside down question mark hanging from fishing line.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

You are the 1 I settled 3