Quirky Quote Fan Gifts

'The rule is that you should never eat more than you can lift, and you're not allowed to use a pulley.'

"Cat box"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Introducing...Anagraman.

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Check out the old dude.'

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

"Got any bathtub gin?"

'Pray for me.'

"Ohhh...pick me pick me!!"

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

The Pencil and Sharpener

Hot cross buns

"It all started when I read somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Naturally, I assumed some breaking and entering was involved."

Crash Test Dummy Blues

An Extraordinary Pointer

"See what you get for thinking outside the fishbowl!"

'...And the best he can do is a bunch of gophers?'