Quirky Proposer Gifts

Boss has 'will you marry me, Ingrid?' sign and says, 'Fax this until you get a yes.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Save the unicorn.

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"That's our new church mascot."

"Daddy, why do people pull round pizza from square boxes and cut them into triangles before they eat them?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

'This way, we'll always have rose petals on the bed. Pretty romantic, huh?'

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

'Is the water cold?'

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Ostrich Curoisities

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

Floss Street Vendor

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'