Quirky Parenting Enthusiasts Pillows

'Mom's weird -- she lets us play in the mud, but she won't let us watch dirty movies.'

'The child is very illogical'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'I think I've isolated that funny noise you've been having.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Can you believe he was the last dog at the shelter?"

"Where's your nose?"

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'Don't be surprised if he throws that life preserver at you. I got him at a rescue shelter.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"I can hear some rattling: Better start writing those birth notices Darling..."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"He's a fussy eater."

'Monster mobiles.'

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

'I'm not an indoor cat. I'm a bitter, angry, frustrated, resentful, repressed cat.'