Quirky Journalists Gifts

You're a hard man to read, Randy. At times, you seem like a cad. A Don Juan. A scoundrel. But at other time, you seem wise. Mature. Supportive. Ladies are most responsive to a "bad guy" to "good guy" ratio of 7 to 6.3756892. My findings have been published in the Oxford Journal of Lovin'.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

Candid Camera store.

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

Expressions of mystery.

"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

'Ask about our daily sermon by fax plan.'

Indian snake charmer charms a snake.

"When we said to be creative with your grant proposal presentation, this is not what was meant."

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

Newton discovers surrealism

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Made It! Without getting one tattoo.

"How do I turn off my camera so no one stares?"

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

'I like it.'

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

"It'h thnowing. . .me no like thnow in thpring. . . "

'I hope you'll excuse the pajamas. They save time when people leave.'

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

Tercentary of Shakespeare's Birth

'I'm going to need a Margin of Error or I can't publish your prediction of 6 more weeks of winter.'