Quirky Investor Humor Gifts

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"He downgraded Apple."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

Animal worries.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

"You should consider buying."

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."