Humor In Investing Gifts

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

'Can you get me in touch with people that own me money?'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Large cap funds

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."