Quirky Heir Gifts

'...and to my miserable son, Pruitt, I leave all my hideous lime-green wall-to-wall carpet remnants.'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"They followed me home from school - can I keep 'em?"

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"Where's your nose?"

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

Beware of the Lawn

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Would someone dim the lights? I'm about to launch into the paranoid and conspiratorial portion of my report."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

"I brought you up here today, son, because I wanted you to get a feel for the scope of this damned thing."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"I'll explain later."

DIY pedicure

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

Boho Bribes

The Wolfman's Brother

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

Mum, Dad, I've met something...