Quirky Doctor Fan Gifts

"Mr. Wilson? I'm Dr. Bradshaw. Please come in."

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

"Hiya, hiya, hiya, guy. I'm the bluebird of Prozac."

'Focus! Focus! You've just gotta' forget about their home ground advantage.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

Quick! 5-second rule!

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

'Extreme acupuncture.'

Medical Curiosities

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

Sewing Machines in Surgery

"Hock pa-tooie. Hock pa-tooie. Hock pa-tooie."

"I'm going to prescribe medical marijuana and sour cream & onion tortilla chips."

'I had a great time tonight. I'd like to see you again in about six months.'

"My Harvard Medical Guide says if a wisdom tooth is infected, you may need antibiotics and possibly have the tooth pulled by an oral surgeon."

Plastic Surgery

'Gesundheit! You must have an uncommon cold.'

Wash, Dry & Spin.

"Good news. You're not ready for a kick-the-bucket list."

"Oh, here's the problem. He's got a doohickey on his thingamabob."

'Take two of these and visit my website in the morning.'

'Some people think they're ugly. I think they're appealing!'

"Well it's not so much an ITCH, more a slight irritation, what could it be?"

"Take one three times a day after meals."

Spin doctors.

He seems healthy, but I'd like to keep him here for observation.

"Oh, stop complaining—you know she's terrified of the nail clippers."

"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the WORST. Why not ask Randy? Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'He's a good specialist but he pokes. You need one who prods.'