Quirky Clinician Gifts

"Considering the obvious lies in your information form and my tendency to misdiagnose, we should get along just fine."

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

Kid to sister: 'I never play doctor anymore. There's too much paperwork.'

"Hiya, hiya, hiya, guy. I'm the bluebird of Prozac."

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

Man with money in hand reads instructions on 'Check prostate' vending machine

Man tapping a tuning fork on another man's knee

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

A Wally Yomp Psychologist...Practice limited to people who are really miffed!

"9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer."

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

A Mom and Pop Operation

'Eureka! It won't cure anything, but the side effects are terrific!'

'Just relax Mr Benson. I find having background music while I perform surgery helps me focus!'

"Why do I always get the stupid wobbly table?"

Plastic Surgery

'This is a pick 'n' mix ward - you choose your own medicine.'

Preserved head and mobile phone.

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

'That's it for today. If you have any questions, ask the nurse. I can't hear a thing with these ear plugs in.'

"He certainly brings a new dimension to keyhole surgery!"

'You're not my usual doctor.'

St Berts - Britain's first open mouth surgery in progress.

'I keep getting this RINGING in my ears!'

"I'm going to prescribe you four metres of bubble-wrap three times a day."

"First one to peek pays the other's malpractice premiums for the year."

'Everyone accuses me of being a 'control freak'.'

Surgeon with hearts on his shirt.

Sewing for Dummies.