Quirky Bequest Appreciator Pillows

Last Will and Testement.

Lactose Intolerant

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

Kissing the Fish

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

Balloon dog poos.

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

Rent a Room With Hot Water

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

State of the Art Dog.

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

'Mind if I head off a little early today?'

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

Chameleon and TV

"Ah yes… this is Mr Shipley, our new head of strategically placed objects."

"Anatomy of a cat"

"Maybe that metal device we found with the paleolithic stone tools WAS a ray gun!"

Joe's Truckstop Diner: Eat In - Take Out - Poop somewhere else.

Odorant

"Think it can last 20 seconds this time?"

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

A Scottish Terrier playing bagpipes wins the dog show.

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

"My girlfriend got it for me. What? It's not so bad is it? Is it?..."

I lost as a contestant on the quiz show, but they gave me this lovely parting gift...

"I Can't Dance... The Doctor Accidentally Gave Me Two Left Feet!"