Quirky Addiction Humorist Pillows

"Since I started vaping, I've completely given up tea."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'This has all the makings of a fable. But first lets take lots of tests.'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Optimist

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."