Quippy Couch Enthusiast Pillows

'I'm sick and tired of listening to depressed people lying on me with thier dirty shoes!' (analyst's couch).

"The batteries in his TV remote died. The shock of not being able to use it for two minutes has put him in a temporary state of shock."

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"It's a beautiful day. I should go for a walk. . . Oh, now my neighbors are all out there."

"Today let's work on changing channels, drinking with a mouthful of food, and yelling at the TV all at the same time."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

The Common Sutra.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

Exercise vs Laxative.

Eventual Motion Machine

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'Dr Freud, this isn't comfortable. Why don't you sit on that chair?' 'That's not a bad idea.'

"Thanks so much for letting me crash here, I really appreciate how unassertive you are."

"Comfy?"

"I'll always love you just the way I am."

"You need the exercise, so I bought you a bigger remote."

Dog cradles bone, baby cradles blanket, boy cradles teddy bear and father cradles TV remote.

"How much for the couch without the potato?"

"What I don't understand is why people waste their time writing when they might not get published,."

'I can't enjoy the stuff I steal because I set fire to it all.'

"I know that in these bad times nobody is hiring and workers are still being laid off, but what will be your excuse when the economy recovers?"

John bought himself a new "Unfit" bracelet.

'Darling! This isn't a property programme at all! It's the view from our living room window..'

'For futher information see the collected works of Sigmund Fredu, Vol 27, pg 23.'

Will assuage guilt for money.

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

"There's nothing wrong with me, I just really like this couch."

American Idle

"I don't want to sound simplistic, but I think a smaller couch with fewer throw pillows would help this marriage a lot."

'Beautiful day out there, folks. Don't miss it. Complete coverage, coming up next.'

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

"Can you give us a couple hours? We need to pretend we’re trying to find a show we both want to watch."