Quiet Crooner Gifts

Pianissimo - (to sing very softly).

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

'...and I only have eyes, for ewe...'

Bashful in Nashville

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

'Woke up this morning found someone had stolen my guitar...'

Singer in a boat disturbing the fish.

"Cat got your tongue?"

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

Never being able to think of the right thing to say at the right time phobia.

"O.K., I'm off to do some running and off-key singing."

Dolly Parton

Rhinestone Accountant

'He's a man of few words. Words to the editor not included.'

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it — who cares?!"

Banjo Player

The New Modern-Day Lament.

'The song made it seem so much more serene.'

"This next song's about our desperate struggle to please and chronic craving for approval. I really, really hope you like it."

'They made him take a vow of silence so he'd have to stop complaining about his oath of poverty.'

"As weed-whackers go, it's a little quiet for my taste."

"Gentlemen, let's pick it up again with 'I Been Livin' on Cold Navy Beans.'"

"As a single diner, you will be seated at an awkward table by the restrooms where your lonely presence won't bother other diners."