Quiet Crooner Gifts

Pianissimo - (to sing very softly).

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

Cut out and keep your own Frank Sinatra.

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

'...and I only have eyes, for ewe...'

Bashful in Nashville

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Singer in a boat disturbing the fish.

'Woke up this morning found someone had stolen my guitar...'

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"I came all the way from Alabama just to see you, Susanna. Why in tarnation are you cryin'?"

"Cat got your tongue?"

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

This'n song here, "She Done Me Wrong 'n' That Ain't Right," goes out to my high school english teacher.

Never being able to think of the right thing to say at the right time phobia.

'Old blue-screen's back!'

"O.K., I'm off to do some running and off-key singing."

Rhinestone Accountant

Dolly Parton

Banjo Player

'He's a man of few words. Words to the editor not included.'

If a tweet is sent out and no one signs up to read it, does it exist? Happens millions of times a day.

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it — who cares?!"

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

'The song made it seem so much more serene.'

The New Modern-Day Lament.

'One more yippeee-ki-yi from Roy Rogers back there,and i'm putting a hoof through that guitar.'

"This next song's about our desperate struggle to please and chronic craving for approval. I really, really hope you like it."

Bobby Biddle, world's worst country singer.

'They made him take a vow of silence so he'd have to stop complaining about his oath of poverty.'

"As weed-whackers go, it's a little quiet for my taste."

"Gentlemen, let's pick it up again with 'I Been Livin' on Cold Navy Beans.'"

"As a single diner, you will be seated at an awkward table by the restrooms where your lonely presence won't bother other diners."