Quiet Conversationalist Pillows

Dining Alone

"Women like silent men. They think we're listening."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

Snow is falling...

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

The Schmoozy Reaper

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.