Quiet Conversationalist Gifts

Dining Alone

"Women like silent men. They think we're listening."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

Snow is falling...

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

The Schmoozy Reaper

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."