Quick-witted Advisor Pillows

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"Wordle in two! You hear me? Two!!"

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

'Oh, and one more thing

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

I was thinking about something more like a slogan.

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

Barry Cryer.

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Mildred takes a shortcut to the shops. . .

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'Please sir - all of them!'

Never judge a nose job at face value.

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

Said Cohen? Who's askin? Someone who is about to make your dreams come true. Why? Are you gonna let me yell at you until you bleed? Caustic. Quick-witted just as Facebook led me to believe. What the heck are you talking about?!?! Nothing. Ready to experience pure joy? I'm ready to attack!!

"I happen."

'Quick, Bensonhurst-Shaw, I need a bon mot for today's meeting.'

Surgeon asking patient, 'Would you like this to go?'

'His idea of planning for the future is buying two cases of beer.'

To some people, having a head cold is the same as having an idea.

'It's all in how you look at it -- try thinking of yourself as the world's tallest short guy.'

'An unpleasant customer will come to see you? Well, remember that there are three good buddies who can help you: garlic, onions and beans.'

Remember, when life gives you lemons, whine and pout and cry until life can't take it anymore and gives you cookies just to shut you up.

Lecture on dealing with hecklers-tongues sharpened while you wait.