Questioner Of Life Gifts

'Funny you should ask...'

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

"Call me?"

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"But what if this is all there is?"

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

Ostrich Curoisities

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"Death coach..."

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"After spending thirty years creating models of early universe formation, I began to suspect that my work didn't make a shred of difference."

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

Lost and Profound.

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"I once experienced childlike wonder. . . but it was just my anti-depressants kicking in."

"I took the road less travelled just to avoid the potholes."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Be patient! Weather and homeland are not chosen."

"I'm at the age where work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work."

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

"What's it all about?"

'Isn't it about time to turn over a new leaf...?'

'Dad, tell me again what life's about.'

Religion, This End Up

"You know, Mother, they say dead is the new 80."

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

'I don't think therefore I'm not.'