Quarterly Report Fan Gifts

"My favorite time of year is earnings season."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"I hate performance review season."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'We're holding our own, but I'd really like to see some growth.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

Business is off the chart.

Soaring Profits

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'I became successful when my dreams changed from the Cary Grants of the world to federal grants.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

Beware of the 4th quarter.

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Which way up do you want it?"

"I can't understand it, we did quite well in the first three quarters.

"And this all happened in the last week..."

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

Financial chart with frowny and smiley faces.

"And these projections are based solidly on hope, crossed fingers, and fear."

"It's been a great year - let's hope we can keep the shareholders from finding out."

"...and right here in Q2 is where the 'you know what' hit the fan. . ."

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

'Don't let our profits go south. You know what I'm like when we get in the RED!'