Puzzle Humorist Gifts

"The thing with Sudoku is I can never find the right words to fit."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Glance Exchange

"Did you get my tweet?"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Eldrow

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"She looks just like in your photos."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'