Puppy Psychologist Gifts

"They think they're accidents."

Dog next to sign that says, 'Beware of Dog's Feelings'.

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Bad Dog!

'I don't know what it is, doc. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.'

I wonder if he can think.

'You're allowed up on the couch.'

A pointless conversation.

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"If I didn't bark incessantly for no reason whatsoever I think I'd go mad."

"Yes, you're definitely a good boy. Your only fault may be that you care too much."

"He's obedient as long as my requests align with his internal moral imperatives."

Licensed Therapist

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Dog Nightmares

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"Instead of wagging my tail, running around and jumping all over you, I sent you an E-card."

"I can’t believe you’re doing this! I have abandonment issues! Abandonment issues!!!"

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

"I'm thinking 'woof-woof' but I'm saying 'arf-arf'."

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

'I'm sure they don't think you're really a bad kitty...just a kitty that sometimes does bad things.'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"Last night I dreamed I caught my tail."

"Actually I never loved you."

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."