Puppy Planners Pillows

Rex talks about his life goals.

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

Dogs

"He's got no idea how to run a Husky team."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

'This is way better than a litter box.'

'Well, back to the old drawing board.'

'Max and I have a give and take relationship. He sniffs my butt...and I let him.'

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

"If you don't make up your mind who's taking me out, I'll do it right here."

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'Help me, sir... I want to save my last sip of lemonade, but it doesn't work!'

"That's the last time I invite the boys round..."

Four Star Meal

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'I don't care if top breeders do recommend it - I am not going to eat dog food!'

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

"Oh, wow! Charlie is really hungry, huh, mom?"

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

It's time to treat your dog to Le Bon Chien.

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"They know me here."

Family looking to buy a dog.

"OK, ten minute break. Stretch your legs, lap some water, nibble some chow..."

'Outside, they let me off the leash only to fetch the paper. It's sort of a work-release program.'

"When the time is right I intend to lead a canine revolution that will bring about a new world order. Until then I'm just hanging around acting cute."