Puppy Love Strategist T-Shirts

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

'I sent out for everything.'

Cat in a tank...

Pet Shop: "I think I've found one for me."

'He rides in the car with his head out the window a lot.'

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

Colin could see that his competitor had obviously done his market research.

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

Dating the efficiency expert.

Sure, I'll sit, but I want half the treat upfront.

"Frankly, I think it's time we take a long hard look at cat futures."

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

'You can't keep a middle school girl from wanting to impress boys, Valerie.'

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

If you are ringing your coach to ask about your next move then we're finished.

"No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement."

'By proposing a merger instead of marriage, we can deduct this meal as a business expense.'

'When you play hard to get you really mean it, don't you?'

'Pay no attention, they are a couple of ex husbands.'

Don't let your your evil twin be your wingman when trying to pick up a woman in a bar.

'I'd like a puppy who's cute, playful, and can shoulder a lot of blame.'

"I married for contrast."

How to feel confident in love & war

'...assuming the numbers are right, ask her to marry you.'