Punting Gifts

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

Boating Reflection

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"They're not Levi Strauss - they're not Levi Tate."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"Okay, quote me. I'm on the record."

"YAY! FREE SHIPPING!"

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

Self Raising Flour

"We should have taken a eweber."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'We could have saved an awful lot of bother and just given him a shot a hole.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

His Other Shtick

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

"Do you file your nails..?

CORN.

Wordilly Durdillies - Unidentified frying object

'I need 1000 bucks to tide me over until my ship comes in!'

Way ahead of its time and sadly doomed to extinction: A prehistoric punting and gathering society.

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Oh, no! Another case of the hives!

"What do you mean you're just fifteen?"

Out of work baker - I knead your dough.

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

Cookie Does

'Your personals ad said you sold stocks.'