Punter's Pal Pillows

'Racing form on wall' -"Thunder lad is the only horse with a chance.. I've been following him all season."

'What's the odds on Cheltenham going ahead?'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'What he lacks in speed he gains in nose.'

'The blooming thing took a wrong turn off the course.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Boating Reflection

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

A Good Bet.

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

"We did the sequel, we did the prequel. There's only one option left: zombies."

catholic

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

Football will be penalised...

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

'Dad, Grandma had a funeral, right? Will the cat have a FURneral, then?'

Gambler And Umpire

-Sorry, I was ill yesterday -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the 5th leg!

"I never thought that Rex from no. 81 wold get 'emasculated'..."

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."