Punter Pal Pillows

-Sorry, I was ill yesterday -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the 5th leg!

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Hi, kid! Did you watch 'Sesame Street' today?"

'You tell me how he does it.'

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'The blooming thing took a wrong turn off the course.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

His Other Shtick

Boating Reflection

Saloon Selectives

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

"You won't be needing that book, young lady!"

"Don't waste your money,dearie-there's only one score draw next Saturday!"

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'What's the odds on Cheltenham going ahead?'

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Football will be penalised...

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

Dog has cellphone. Woman says to man: 'I think he likes you. Look, he wants to swap mobile numbers.'

Gambler And Umpire

'Racing form on wall' -"Thunder lad is the only horse with a chance.. I've been following him all season."

"Well that's the first time I've ever seen a divot in one."

'Actually, it's funny you should say that - I'm bored stupid too.'

"I never thought that Rex from no. 81 wold get 'emasculated'..."

The God's football

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

Michael Phelps.

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."