Punny Investor Gifts

"You never said your 50,000 shares were penny ones!"

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Why have you called him ballpoint?"

The Contrarian funds

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Animal worries.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

'A lot of my stories involve milk.'

Wall Street: Panic, don't panic

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

"You should consider buying."

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

Planting vegetables - "BEAN there done that."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

At The Clown Bank.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

'One look at you and I thought 'footsie world stock fund.''

"Honey, I just got 't-boned' off I-80 West of Omaha!"

'How about a romantic caper about two lost souls who meet and find happiness investing in mutual funds.'