Punning Professional Gifts

'I need 1000 bucks to tide me over until my ship comes in!'

Out of work baker - I knead your dough.

"YAY! FREE SHIPPING!"

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"They're not Levi Strauss - they're not Levi Tate."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

'Sometimes, from time to time, occasionally I wish I'd never bought that ruddy thesaurus!'

"Okay, quote me. I'm on the record."

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

What happened to "will work for food"? Will write funny gags for food. You Fusco Brothers need funny gags way more than you need your lawn mowed.

"He may be the principal, but he's a terrible speller."

'Catch any good mice lately?'

Self Raising Flour

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"Where do you see yourself in the next twenty minutes at 375 degrees."

"We should have taken a eweber."

"Oh, do stick it adjectively adverbially where the 'effin' sun don't shine!"

"I'm married to a control freak!"

Boating Reflection

'We could have saved an awful lot of bother and just given him a shot a hole.'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

Blue Tit Bank.

Baroque Dance Studio

Accounting Dept. Don't panic, sir. When I said we have a "net loss" I only meant the wi-fi is down.

catholic

'Look, you still owe us 17 cents.. if you sweep up my office we'll call it even.'

Wordilly Durdillies - Unidentified frying object

'Well, the toughest part of the fight is over . . . getting though the hostile crowd.'

"Do you file your nails..?

Oprah and Phantom of Oprah.

Oh, no! Another case of the hives!