Punning Professional Pillows

'I need 1000 bucks to tide me over until my ship comes in!'

Out of work baker - I knead your dough.

"YAY! FREE SHIPPING!"

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"Okay, quote me. I'm on the record."

'Sometimes, from time to time, occasionally I wish I'd never bought that ruddy thesaurus!'

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Catch any good mice lately?'

"He may be the principal, but he's a terrible speller."

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

Self Raising Flour

"Where do you see yourself in the next twenty minutes at 375 degrees."

"Oh, do stick it adjectively adverbially where the 'effin' sun don't shine!"

"We should have taken a eweber."

"I'm married to a control freak!"

Blue Tit Bank.

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Boating Reflection

'We could have saved an awful lot of bother and just given him a shot a hole.'

Baroque Dance Studio

Wordilly Durdillies - Unidentified frying object

'Well, the toughest part of the fight is over . . . getting though the hostile crowd.'

Oprah and Phantom of Oprah.

"Do you file your nails..?

catholic

'Look, you still owe us 17 cents.. if you sweep up my office we'll call it even.'

Oh, no! Another case of the hives!

'It sure didn't pay to increase my vocabulary that time!'

"Yes, haven't we metaphor?"