Pun Professional Pillows

'Sometimes, from time to time, occasionally I wish I'd never bought that ruddy thesaurus!'

'Yes, of course they're prints,'

"He may be the principal, but he's a terrible speller."

"Oh, do stick it adjectively adverbially where the 'effin' sun don't shine!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Zombie standup

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

baby sweetcorn...

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

I will study my speling words...

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Your French dip, sir.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'