Pun Professor Pillows

"I've tried really hard, but I'm sorry - I just can't bring myself to accept 'text' as a past participle."

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

Fast food. Even faster food

hard-boiled egg...

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"You're such a good listener."

"I guess I'm more of a why-wolf."

Stoneage puncture repair kit...

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'