Pun Amateur Pillows

"I have a beef with you!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Zombie standup

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

baby sweetcorn...

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Your French dip, sir.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."