Pun Amateur Pillows

"I have a beef with you!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

baby sweetcorn...

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Your French dip, sir.'

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'