Punning Perfectionist Pillows

'I didn't cook the books. Instead, I incorporated them into a tasty tuna noodle casserole!'

Gardener clipping topiary stairs

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'You're not confident at the water hole are you?'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

"Various entrances to the gates of Hell."

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

Surreal ale

'Aren't you glad we brought our putters, too?'

Golf lessons

'Not that slowly back...'

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

'No,silly-I asked for a sand WEDGE!'

For sale - Used only Once.

"Dad, did you know Tia Carmen got a job at my school cafeteria?"

'Yes, Mr. Osborne, this is an intervention. Your family had no other choice. Golf is an illness...'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Dispose of unproductive fruit trees.

'Your direction is good! Now try for distance.'

'Don't ask me, I've never got one in a hole either.'

"Being happy with one's work is the kiss of death."

'On to the office again?' - 'No, my pro.'

"Just a drop."

"It's called being preemptive."

'Do I take it that you will not be requiring my services on the back nine?'

Quality Contorl.

'You had a 9 on one, a 7 on two, a 10 on three, a 23 on four...that hurt...'

There are more things to life than golf--but I ignore them.

"Quit moving"

'Oh no. How are you going to get it out of that little hole?'

'On this hole you don't drive, just putt.'

"You'll come? Great." "The Hendersons will be too." "We'll kill them at poker." "Phil and Edna, planning a murder for later that night."