Punchline Pundit Gifts

You know, I wish I had never found the arms!

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

I've only been a doctor for 15 minutes, but, ok, Mrs. Rhinewald, I'm gonna give it to you straight. You've only got 24 hours to live - but then, we're mayflies - we all have only 24 hours to live...

"Nice to see him making the most of his season ticket."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Comedy Rule

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

EU-budget fight

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

'I heard he was funny.'

Vernon Trunick with the 3 O'Clock Report

"That wasn't very funny!"

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"So the vet says, 'If this is my thermometer, then where's my pen?' . . . Get it!? . . . IS this thing on!?"