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You know, I wish I had never found the arms!

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

I've only been a doctor for 15 minutes, but, ok, Mrs. Rhinewald, I'm gonna give it to you straight. You've only got 24 hours to live - but then, we're mayflies - we all have only 24 hours to live...

"Nice to see him making the most of his season ticket."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

Comedy Rule

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

EU-budget fight

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

'I was set to go on vacation, but I didn't have the right luggage...So I asked Gary Sinise if I could borrow the bags under his eyes.'